In the Pines: Final Chapter
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Hello! This is the twenty-first and final installment of the twenty-one chapter novel In the Pines by Wells Thompson (that’s me). I’ve been publishing one chapter a week on Substack, so if this is the first one you’re seeing, you can find the previous chapters in the Newsletter backlog. I hope you’ve enjoyed the ride!
Even after she said that she was ready, the words didn’t come easily to Sarah and they sat side by side in silence for a few minutes before she had the guts to start speaking. “Do you think,” she started, then listened to the reverberation of the church and shrunk to a whisper, “do you think there’s a version of us that’s normal? That fights about going out more and what they’re going to for dinner and what to start watching on TV?”
Kayla grabbed Sarah’s hand and placed it between hers in her lap. “Probably not. I don’t think those versions of us ever met.”
Sarah smiled, “That actually makes me feel better.” Then she looked around, tracing the stained glass with her eyes and taking in the elegant patterns carved into the pillars between the pews. “If we’re going to make this work, we need to be more honest with each other.”
“Is that what you spent all that time in therapy learning?”
“Kayla.”
“Sorry, sarcasm happens.”
Sarah scooted closer to Kayla and rested her shoulder against Kayla’s. “It does sound kind of obvious when you say it out loud.”
“Well, it can’t have been that obvious. Otherwise…” Kayla bit her lip looking for the words. “Sarah, I want you to know that I’m sorry.”
Sarah stroked Kayla’s forearm up and down. “I know that was hard for you.”
“I’m being serious.”
“So am I.” Sarah squeezed Kayla’s hand and readied herself, “You hurt me, Kayla. You lied to me and abandoned me and made me afraid of what you were even capable of. All I want is to come home, but I need you to understand how you hurt me and I need to know that it won’t ever happen again.”
Kayla hesitated and Sarah saw her fighting back her own trembling jaw. “I’ve never…I’ve never been good enough to you. Or for you. Every time I look at you this feeling—this panic—hits me. Like you’re already packing your bags and you’ll be gone and I’ll be alone. So I lie and I find a way to disappoint you because I know you’re going to figure out I’m holding you back and I’d rather have control over the reason you left than let you discover it for yourself.” Sarah could feel Kayla tensing up and she put an arm around her and stroked her opposite shoulder. “I don’t know how you haven’t seen that yet.”
“It’s been almost eight years Kayla, I know how to read you when you lie. And I know that you’ve been keeping your word ever since you came back. I know you’re trying to do better, even if you don’t see it yourself.”
Kayla wiped away the inkling of a tear from the corner of her eye and scratched her nose. “I need a cigarette.”
“You’re quitting, remember.”
“I know, that’s why I need one.” Kayla laughed, but Sarah kept on stroking her shoulder.
“Do you really think…” Sarah’s fingers stopped and her throat went dry before she swallowed and forced herself to keep talking. “Do you really think I’d pick up and leave like that?”
Kayla gripped the outsides of her arms and pulled her knees up to her chin so she looked like a child, hidden between the wooden benches. “How could you not? You’re so smart and wonderful and I’m just this. You see a problem and, like magic, it’s solved. All I do is burn it down and run away. Or I’m the one who caused it in the first place.”
Sarah held her tighter so that Kayla’s head was buried in her neck. “That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.” She held Kayla’s chin up and made sure she was listening to her. “You are strong and fierce and you push me to do more and be better every day. You don’t get to wallow in self pity, Kayla Barnes, you’re a goddamn forest fire.”
Kayla broke. She placed her face on Sarah’s shoulder and began to heave. Sarah could feel the tears impale her shirt, but she held Kayla there and let her cry. “I’m sorry I’m like this,” she managed to get out between increasingly harsh sobs, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Sarah rocked her back and forth, as Kayla reached out further, grabbing onto Sarah with steel fingers. Her hair invaded Sarah’s nose and eyes, but she didn’t smooth it out or bat it away, just let it continue its wild dance.
“Do you remember when we first met? On the train to Missouri, we were wrapped up just like this, holding onto each other for dear life. And we watched the pine trees pass by in this green haze and you said something like ‘We’re stuck in a loop. Round and round, forever and ever, with nowhere to go.’ But just when you got done saying that, the last of the trees zoomed by and the sun was blazing down on both of us, orange and bright. So bright it was almost blinding and I had to shield my eyes. And you grabbed onto me tighter and said, ‘Please don’t let go.’” Sarah stroked and scratched the top of Kayla’s head until she stopped weeping and could look into Sarah’s eyes. “I’m not letting go.”
*
When they finally left the church, Sarah’s shirt stained with a large, amorphous wet spot, they walked down to the Pantheon and really looked at the statues and paintings. For the first time to Sarah, it felt like she was on vacation, away from her everyday life and in a position to enjoy herself. They walked down the streets and took a bus over to the Colosseum. Kayla didn’t let go of Sarah’s hand the entire time they were walking through the old, crumbling stadium, even as their sweat soaked their palms in the summer heat.
When they went to see the Circus Maximus, Kayla disappeared with a promise that she’d be back in a few minutes. Then there was a tap on Sarah’s shoulder and when she turned she saw a man dressed in a cheap centurion costume, the letters SPQR branded on the chest. “Buonasera signorina Clement, como ti senti.” Sarah froze for a second, then started laughing hysterically. The man looked back at Kayla just a few feet away, shrugged and walked away. Sarah consoled herself and saw the massive grin on Kayla’s face.
“That’s the dorkiest shit you’ve ever done,” Sarah laughed, her hands still on her knees, trying to contain herself.
“Worth the forty euro?”
“Definitely.” Sarah smiled so wide her cheeks started to hurt, but she couldn’t help it. She grabbed Kayla’s face and kissed her and told her she loved her, for the first time without any reservation or asterisk or baggage holding it back. They were finally here, they had finally made it.
When they sat down for dinner later in the evening, Sarah’s head began to fill with questions and plans. Part of her wanted to unload it on Kayla at that moment, but she decided to hold back. There would be time later to talk about going back to school, if they needed to visit with Dr. Skinner together, or how she felt about getting a dog or three. For now it was enough to watch Kayla struggle to pronounce the word ‘montepulciano’ as she attempted to order a table wine and enjoy the temperate night for what it was.
Kayla caught her staring after the server walked away and nervously laughed. “What?” Kayla asked, but Sarah didn’t flinch. She just placed her hand on top of Kayla’s and smiled and meant it.
This story is considered a work in progress for legal reasons.
© 2024 Wells Thompson
All Rights Reserved
This is a work of fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this book are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.